Open Adoption: How to Talk to Kids About Birth Families

Open adoption — where the adopted child has some ongoing contact or relationship with their birth family — is now the most common form of domestic infant adoption in the United States. Most modern adoptions have at least some openness: photo sharing, letter exchange, annual visits, or ongoing relationships with birth relatives.

For adoptive parents navigating this, the question isn’t just “should we do open adoption?” (the research is overwhelmingly in favor). It’s “how do we talk to our kid about their birth family in ways that support both sides of the relationship?”

This post is practical guidance.

The basic framework

Kids in open adoption benefit from:

• Understanding that they have two sets of families, both real and valuable
• Having vocabulary to describe each relationship
• Seeing adoptive parents speak positively about birth parents
• Participating in birth family contact at age-appropriate levels
• Feeling no competition between loyalties

The framework: you have a birth family and an adoptive family. Both are yours. Both love you. Both belong in your life in their own way.

What to call birth family

Vocabulary matters. Recommended terms:

• Birth mother / birth father — the gold-standard terms, used by most professionals and adoptees
• First mother / first father — preferred by some adoptees
• Biological mother / father — technically accurate but cold
• Tummy mommy — used by some young kids; phase out by age 7 or so
• Natural mother — avoid; implies adoptive mother is unnatural

If your child’s birth family prefers specific terms, use those. Respect their wishes.

Handling photos and videos

If your open adoption includes photo sharing:

• Display photos of birth family in your home, same as other family photos
• Don’t hide them in albums
• Use the birth parents’ names casually in conversation
• Let your child see photos of themselves with birth family at various ages

This normalizes the relationship. Your child grows up seeing birth family as regular people, not distant myths.

Handling visits

If your open adoption includes in-person visits:

Before the visit

• Talk about what’s going to happen
• Show photos to refresh memory
• Let your child help plan (if age-appropriate) — a drawing to bring, a favorite toy
• Keep it low-key; don’t turn it into a Big Event

During the visit

• Follow your child’s lead on closeness
• Allow birth family and your child to have private time if your child wants
• Don’t be jealous or competitive
• Take photos for the memory

After the visit

• Let your child debrief at their own pace
• Don’t probe for feelings
• Reassure them that nothing about the visit changes their place in your family

When your child is conflicted

Some open-adoption kids go through phases of ambivalence. They may:

• Resist visits they used to enjoy
• Ask questions that seem to test loyalties
• Express confusion about their identity
• Express anger at birth parents for giving them up

These phases are normal. They don’t mean the openness is wrong. They mean your child is processing real feelings.

What to say: “It’s okay to feel complicated about your birth family. You have two families, and that’s real and good, but it can also be confusing sometimes. I’m not going to ask you to feel one way about it. Whatever you feel is okay.”

When birth family is inconsistent

One hard reality of open adoption: sometimes birth parents are inconsistent. They may promise visits and not show up. They may stop responding to letters. They may go through periods of active involvement and then disappear.

This is painful for kids. It’s also not about the child — it’s about the birth parents’ own circumstances.

What to say: “Your birth mother loves you. Right now, she’s going through something hard that makes it difficult for her to stay in touch. That’s not because of anything about you. It’s about what she’s dealing with in her life. We’re here no matter what.”

Avoid bitterness even when you feel it. Your kid can absorb your disappointment as their own — and they’ll internalize it as “birth mom is a bad person,” which will eventually hurt them more than it hurts birth mom.

For international open adoptions

International open adoptions have become more common but face additional complexities:

• Distance limits visits
• Language barriers
• Cultural gaps between birth and adoptive families
• Different norms around what “openness” means

For these families, open adoption might look like:

• Annual photo-and-letter exchange
• Video calls when possible
• Occasional in-person visits during trips to the birth country
• Celebrating birth country holidays at home
• Keeping birth language and culture present

The personalized open-adoption book

At Akoni Books, our “Two Beginnings, One Story” theme is built for open adoption specifically. A personalized story where your child is the illustrated hero, honoring birth family alongside adoptive family. Both families appear. Both are valued.

Your child sees themselves as belonging to both — which is the truth of open adoption.

Create an open-adoption book for your child →

For birth family who may be reading this

If you’re a birth parent navigating an open adoption with your placed child: thank you. Your ongoing presence in your child’s life is a gift — even when it’s complicated, even when it hurts, even when it looks different than you hoped.

Some things to know:

• Your child’s adoptive parents are (usually) trying hard to honor your role
• Consistency matters more than frequency — less contact that’s reliable is better than more contact that’s sporadic
• Your child will have complicated feelings over their life; that’s not a rejection
• Sending photos and letters even when you don’t hear back has value — your child will eventually read them

What kids from open adoption report as adults

Research on adults who grew up in open adoption — compared to those from closed adoptions — consistently shows:

• Better identity integration
• Lower rates of confusion about origins
• Stronger mental health outcomes
• More positive feelings about adoption overall
• Less interest in “searching” (because the information was already available)

Open adoption, done thoughtfully, creates adult adoptees who feel less fractured.

The long arc

Your open adoption is a multi-decade relationship, not a contract you signed at placement. It will evolve. Birth family relationships may deepen, drift, or change shape. Your child will develop their own relationship with their birth family over time.

Your job is to keep the door open. Don’t close it in reaction to hard moments. Don’t push through when everyone needs space. Follow your kid’s lead, and trust the long arc.

Most open-adoption adults look back and say: I’m glad my parents kept this relationship alive, even when it was complicated. That’s the gift you’re giving your kid by staying open.

Start tonight by speaking warmly about their birth parents, even if it’s not a visit day. Make their name a normal word in your house.